The people in my life. So many people have come life into my life. So many people leave my life. People just come and go and that's part of life. It happens. It there isn't a lot you can do about it most of the time. But there are certain people who will always be there no matter what. Through thick and thin there are people who don't budge. They don't even consider leaving. There are those people who no matter what they love me unconditionally. And those are the people that bring my life happiness and those are people I can always count on and trust with everything.
The sad part of people is when they are fake. People don't stay the same and that's obviously nothing new. It's no secret that people change. But the sad part is when people change how they feel about me because of a decision I make. Especially when it is a decision that it is nothing bad. The culture of Utah sure has been an interesting thing to deal with. I wish that coming home wasn't something that I didn't have to do. I wish it was easy to handle but it isn't. But it sure is sad when people judge me for being home. My 10 months on my mission was such an incredible experience. I learned so much while I was on my mission and I enjoyed it so much. I loved serving The Lord so much and planned on serving two years but things changed. Things took a very unexpected turn that I didn't plan at all. But I am still a good person. I am not making a grievous sin. I'm not a murderer. I'm not a criminal. I still live a pretty good life I think. And just because I didn't serve a full time mission and fell in love with someone it can seem like I'm an outcast. Ever since letting people know more about my life I am really learning and finding people who really support me and love me but unfortunately I am also finding some people who are fake. It can be frustrating when people only want to accept me or be there for me when I'm catering to what they want.
But again I am learning to appreciate the people who are there for me no matter what. There are many more people who support me and are behind my decision than there are the people who criticize. Everyday I am more grateful for you all who show me love and care. Like I said in my first blog, there just aren't words than can describe how appreciative I am for the love. I hope we can all live our lives to it's full potential and hope that we can help all those around us to reach there full potential no matter what course they take in life. Life isn't easy. And it never will be. But the more we love and the more we surround ourselves with people we really care about, the more our lives will be worth it. Much love to all of you who continue to love me unconditionally.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Monday, June 9, 2014
Dear anyone who reads this, I'm sure that if you're reading this that you most likely know me and most likely have heard little bits and pieces here and there about my situation. And if you haven't heard then here it is: I came home early from my mission. So now that that's out of the way I just want to everyone to know a little bit more about my current situation cause I know that there have been many unanswered questions such as, "Are you going back out?" "Did the doctors find out what's wrong?" "What are my plans for the future?" and on and on. I often tell people that "I don't know" when they ask me questions about these things and for awhile I truly didn't know what I was going to do! But now I know pretty well what my plans are and what I'm going to do. But I figured that I would give people a little insight so that they don't have to wonder anymore. And I don't know who cares or not but at least the information will be available to find if their hearts desire it.
So most people know that I got sick out in Jamaica and that is very true and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. One night I went to bed not feeling good but didn't think much of it and was able to sleep through the night but the next day I woke up with a terrible pain in my stomach. Again I shrugged it off and continued to try to make it through the day but the pain only got worse and worse. Once lunch time rolled around the pain was so terrible so we called Sister Brown who is the mission president's wife and she advised me to go to a local doctor in Spanish Town. So we called the zone leaders and had them drive me there. Then started the wonderful journey. This doctor ran a couple of tests and couldn't exactly pinpoint what was wrong. The first guesses were that it could be appendicitis or inflamed liver and he told me that I would need to go to the hospital to get proper treatment. The hospital in Spanish Town wasn't the best so we went into Kingston to the Universty hospital to get better treatment and to have some better doctors helping with the situation. So by this time the pain has only continued to get worse and now I had about a 40 minute drive to look forward to until we could make it to the next hospital. I wish I could explain the pain but I would relate it to getting stabbed over and over again in the stomach and it was excruciating. I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone. So then we proceeded to the next step and made it to the University hospital and they already had all my information that was transferred from the first doctor. I checked in and then the waiting started. By this time it's about 12 at night and I just wanted to get help. They put me on a hospital bed which would eventually become a part of me because I spent so much time on it. So I laid and waited while the nurses were taking care of patients until it was my turn. The wait lasted about 2 hours with nurses periodically checking in on me to make sure I was still surviving Finally they were able to get me into the section where I could get more tests done and it was a relief to get out of the main area where I was waiting. Elder Daniels and Elder Nelson were champions and waited with me countless hours through the whole experience. So they ran CT tests, blood tests, and all sorts of other tests that I didn't even remember because I was so out of it and in pain. After all the tests they never could figure out the problem and so it was more waiting. Long story short is that they put me in a room and I would spend six days in the hospital. I couldn't eat for five of the days, the pain was bad for 4 days until it started subsiding and I was finally released to come home. The experience wasn't enjoyable at all and was so very unexpected. They never exactly found out what was wrong but I finally started feeling better in the health aspect but then came the next chapter.
Anxiety and depression. Two things that I never thought I'd deal with. Two things that I could never understand until I had it. Two things that I learned are real and are not fun to deal with. So during this whole thing I was developing anxiety and depression and it felt as if I had no control of it. I felt like life had no worth and I was extremely scared of the future and what people would think if I came home. The last day in the hospital was actually the worst day even though the pain was gone. I remember vividly this day because I honestly thought that I was going to die. The anxiety and depression got so bad that my body decided to shut down and it wouldn't stop shaking and my breathing was so heavy that I felt like I was drowning and I literally thought it was going to be the last day of my life. I was finally able to calm down and just laid in bed until I was good enough to be checked out of the hospital. The anxiety and depression is something that I am still dealing with but it is becoming much better as I've worked with councilors and have had help from my family and Nakeitha. The most important thing that I've learned since being home is that it's my life and things happen and there are some people who will support everything that happens and some that will judge everything that happens when they don't know the situation but in the end it only matters that I am trying my best to have a happy life. For those that know me know that I am typically always trying to be happy and help others. And that hasn't changed. I still want that but it has changed. I used to worry way too much about everybody else's opinion and what they thought of me. I always was making my decisions based off of what other people thought I should do. I was making decisions to please others even if that wasn't the decision I wanted to really make. Now I am starting to understand how important it is to make my own decisions and how important it is to find those people who really care and who will always support my decisions instead of those who try to determine and change my decisions. I have really found those people who genuinely care and I appreciate those people more and more.
One major decision in my life that will cause lots of judgement and lots of different opinions and reactions is the decision to get married. A couple of people have heard about Nakeitha. I had the privilege of meeting Nakeitha while I was in Spanish Town. Me and her became really good friends and she was instantly special to me. Never on my mission looking for someone to marry or anything like that. But my feelings for Nakeitha just came so naturally. I even tried holding them back but I just couldn't stop loving this girl. The best part is that we never did anything that would make me feel like that. No physical contact, no constant communication or anything. I just fell in love with her amazing personality and her good looks were a nice bonus. I decided to pray for guidance and understanding concerning my feelings that I had for this girl. And the answer that I got was the most clear answer that I've ever got in my life and that was that Nakeitha is the one for me. I've never offered up more sincere prayers and I've never questioned an answer so much because I almost couldn't believe it. I prayed so many times to know if it was right and every time I got the same answer. Once I got back to Utah I actually had the chance of really talking to her and we had both known that we had feelings for each other but now we were really able to tell each other things. We both told each other really how we felt and it turns out that she had also prayed many many times and had received answers. I have never been more sure about a decision and I know that it's a crazy one and it's been the most interesting turn in my life but I know for myself that it's what I want and what I want to do and that it's right. And when it comes to other people I know that people will have all sorts of things to say but I am over that. Yeah I would love support and people who care and will help but if not then it is what it is. I would at least hope that people would not criticize us for our decision. No not everyone will be excited and I don't expect that but I would hope that everyone would be considerate and kind. And I'm sure that there will be lots of questions so ask away if you'd like.
But the sad reality is that I probably won't be going back out to finish my mission and that will also cause a lot of questioning and concern and probably some disappointment and maybe a little criticism. But honestly I have prayed about it a lot and God knows my situation perfectly and I have received peace and comfort knowing that God understands and is mindful of me and everything that is going on. Thank goodness that I know God loves me regardless and thank goodness that God knows that I am trying my best to navigate through this tough, crazy, unpredictable life of mine. I wish that I could express my gratitude to everyone who loves me and supports me and has been there for me. Words couldn't come close to how much I appreciate people who have extended there love to me and have helped me through this very trying time in my life. I love you all and hope that this helps out if you were wondering about me and my current situation. Text me if you would like more information!
So most people know that I got sick out in Jamaica and that is very true and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. One night I went to bed not feeling good but didn't think much of it and was able to sleep through the night but the next day I woke up with a terrible pain in my stomach. Again I shrugged it off and continued to try to make it through the day but the pain only got worse and worse. Once lunch time rolled around the pain was so terrible so we called Sister Brown who is the mission president's wife and she advised me to go to a local doctor in Spanish Town. So we called the zone leaders and had them drive me there. Then started the wonderful journey. This doctor ran a couple of tests and couldn't exactly pinpoint what was wrong. The first guesses were that it could be appendicitis or inflamed liver and he told me that I would need to go to the hospital to get proper treatment. The hospital in Spanish Town wasn't the best so we went into Kingston to the Universty hospital to get better treatment and to have some better doctors helping with the situation. So by this time the pain has only continued to get worse and now I had about a 40 minute drive to look forward to until we could make it to the next hospital. I wish I could explain the pain but I would relate it to getting stabbed over and over again in the stomach and it was excruciating. I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone. So then we proceeded to the next step and made it to the University hospital and they already had all my information that was transferred from the first doctor. I checked in and then the waiting started. By this time it's about 12 at night and I just wanted to get help. They put me on a hospital bed which would eventually become a part of me because I spent so much time on it. So I laid and waited while the nurses were taking care of patients until it was my turn. The wait lasted about 2 hours with nurses periodically checking in on me to make sure I was still surviving Finally they were able to get me into the section where I could get more tests done and it was a relief to get out of the main area where I was waiting. Elder Daniels and Elder Nelson were champions and waited with me countless hours through the whole experience. So they ran CT tests, blood tests, and all sorts of other tests that I didn't even remember because I was so out of it and in pain. After all the tests they never could figure out the problem and so it was more waiting. Long story short is that they put me in a room and I would spend six days in the hospital. I couldn't eat for five of the days, the pain was bad for 4 days until it started subsiding and I was finally released to come home. The experience wasn't enjoyable at all and was so very unexpected. They never exactly found out what was wrong but I finally started feeling better in the health aspect but then came the next chapter.
Anxiety and depression. Two things that I never thought I'd deal with. Two things that I could never understand until I had it. Two things that I learned are real and are not fun to deal with. So during this whole thing I was developing anxiety and depression and it felt as if I had no control of it. I felt like life had no worth and I was extremely scared of the future and what people would think if I came home. The last day in the hospital was actually the worst day even though the pain was gone. I remember vividly this day because I honestly thought that I was going to die. The anxiety and depression got so bad that my body decided to shut down and it wouldn't stop shaking and my breathing was so heavy that I felt like I was drowning and I literally thought it was going to be the last day of my life. I was finally able to calm down and just laid in bed until I was good enough to be checked out of the hospital. The anxiety and depression is something that I am still dealing with but it is becoming much better as I've worked with councilors and have had help from my family and Nakeitha. The most important thing that I've learned since being home is that it's my life and things happen and there are some people who will support everything that happens and some that will judge everything that happens when they don't know the situation but in the end it only matters that I am trying my best to have a happy life. For those that know me know that I am typically always trying to be happy and help others. And that hasn't changed. I still want that but it has changed. I used to worry way too much about everybody else's opinion and what they thought of me. I always was making my decisions based off of what other people thought I should do. I was making decisions to please others even if that wasn't the decision I wanted to really make. Now I am starting to understand how important it is to make my own decisions and how important it is to find those people who really care and who will always support my decisions instead of those who try to determine and change my decisions. I have really found those people who genuinely care and I appreciate those people more and more.
One major decision in my life that will cause lots of judgement and lots of different opinions and reactions is the decision to get married. A couple of people have heard about Nakeitha. I had the privilege of meeting Nakeitha while I was in Spanish Town. Me and her became really good friends and she was instantly special to me. Never on my mission looking for someone to marry or anything like that. But my feelings for Nakeitha just came so naturally. I even tried holding them back but I just couldn't stop loving this girl. The best part is that we never did anything that would make me feel like that. No physical contact, no constant communication or anything. I just fell in love with her amazing personality and her good looks were a nice bonus. I decided to pray for guidance and understanding concerning my feelings that I had for this girl. And the answer that I got was the most clear answer that I've ever got in my life and that was that Nakeitha is the one for me. I've never offered up more sincere prayers and I've never questioned an answer so much because I almost couldn't believe it. I prayed so many times to know if it was right and every time I got the same answer. Once I got back to Utah I actually had the chance of really talking to her and we had both known that we had feelings for each other but now we were really able to tell each other things. We both told each other really how we felt and it turns out that she had also prayed many many times and had received answers. I have never been more sure about a decision and I know that it's a crazy one and it's been the most interesting turn in my life but I know for myself that it's what I want and what I want to do and that it's right. And when it comes to other people I know that people will have all sorts of things to say but I am over that. Yeah I would love support and people who care and will help but if not then it is what it is. I would at least hope that people would not criticize us for our decision. No not everyone will be excited and I don't expect that but I would hope that everyone would be considerate and kind. And I'm sure that there will be lots of questions so ask away if you'd like.
But the sad reality is that I probably won't be going back out to finish my mission and that will also cause a lot of questioning and concern and probably some disappointment and maybe a little criticism. But honestly I have prayed about it a lot and God knows my situation perfectly and I have received peace and comfort knowing that God understands and is mindful of me and everything that is going on. Thank goodness that I know God loves me regardless and thank goodness that God knows that I am trying my best to navigate through this tough, crazy, unpredictable life of mine. I wish that I could express my gratitude to everyone who loves me and supports me and has been there for me. Words couldn't come close to how much I appreciate people who have extended there love to me and have helped me through this very trying time in my life. I love you all and hope that this helps out if you were wondering about me and my current situation. Text me if you would like more information!
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